Radical Cowboys

I'm Leaving :-(

One of my favorite things about TV news shows is when the hosts come on at the end and share some parting thoughts in a somber tone. In fact, that's probably my only favorite thing about TV news shows. But either way, Bryant Gumbel, who I hear is a real bastard, is nonetheless a real champ when it comes to doing this at the end of Real Sports. Neal Cavuto, of Your World w/Neal Cavuto fame, is an infinitely less interesting newsperson, but he still does a damn good job when it comes to ending on a high note. I don't think I can compete with either of those guys, so let me just say this: Where once we were Cowboys, now we are men.

This is the only known picture of all five Radical Cowboys together, with the exception of two or three nearly identical pictures still stored on my digital camera. All of 'em were taken during the tailgating party at Monmouth University's Homecoming Game 2004. Don't ask us who won. We never attempted to watch the actual game. Also, please note that in order to keep this site family friendly, I've replaced all the beer cans in the original picture with walkie talkies (a la Steven Spielberg's edited version of "E.T.," which, I'm sure you'll agree, was much less frightening than the original, which was scary because it had guns). (If you'd like a copy of the original picture, just drop me a line and plan to pay a fortune... or just drop me a line.) (Oh, and don't ask me about that sixth guy peering out from behind Bob. I have a pretty good idea of who it is, but instead I'd just like to believe it's that Jason Kirk fella, who interned for RC over the summer.)

Anyway, the time has come to make an announcement that goes without saying, but which deserves to be said anyway: Namely, the fact that yours truly, JDM, is riding off into the sunset. As in, I'm officially leaving Radical Cowboys. This has probably been obvious to anyone who's been reading the site since late July, when I first went on sabbatical in order to get hitched. Blame my wife, if you want. I don't mind. Actually, scratch that. It'll only get back to her. Just blame it on me. It's my fault anyway. Initially, I found it difficult to get back into blogging because I just didn't have time to devote to it. Since then, a small bit of time has freed up, but, sadly, it's time to move on.

I'll be handing the reins for Radical Cowboys to Damon, who, according to my calculations, will either: (a) revive the site, build it up, and make it better than ever; or (b) run it into the ground. Bob, for his part, says he plans to bow out of blogging altogether (i.e., he's giving up the ship), and Beanan... well, we love Beanan. Oh, and as for Randy, he's already announced his move to The Freefall Account, so he can go fuck himself as far as I'm concerned. Uh, I mean, I wish him luck. TFA's a good site. Check it out.

As for me, I still write a weekly column over at Read JDM, which you should all have kept up with lo these last few months (seriously; I think I've been writing some pretty good shit). At some point in the next few weeks, I'll be adding a JDM Blog to the site, so it would be great to see all the old RC regulars stop in. Remember, that's readjdm.com, R-E-A-D-J-D-M-dot-com.

We had some good times here at Radical Cowboys. I wish Damon the best as things move forward. Same goes for everyone else in their own endeavors. I really enjoyed working with this crew, and I especially enjoyed the dynamic betwixt Cowboys and the Comment-Leaving Crew. Who knows? Maybe we'll meet up again in "Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money."

Until then, Godspeed everyone. And, as always, go Swamp Dragons!

The Freefall Account

Like most other Radical Cowboys, I've been all quiet on the RC front.

However, that doesn't mean I've been quiet.  I've spread my wings and found a new home. 

It's called The Freefall Account.  It's like Radical Cowboys, only people actually write for it.  It's still in its infancy- it's only a few days old- so it's trying to find its place in the blogging world.  It's also home to a highly different perspective than the conservative-paranoid one perpetuated here (though I'm still likely to spout off about government intrusion from time to time.) 

Anyway read it.  Debate us.  Treat us like you did, well, us here at RC over the past year.  It'll be good, I promise.

And, as for Radical Cowboys?  Will I still write for it? 

From time to time, maybe.  However, we're repeating ourselves over here.  It's time for some new voices, and it's also time for some of us to move on.  I'll be over at TFA, in a new scenario, with different voices and different perspectives.  Come check it out.  You won't be disappointed.

No Blood For Oil!

Growing up in Alaska, the issue of drilling in ANWR was always in the background, and quite often in the foreground.  Should we drill there?  Will the oil we find be worth it?  What about the environment?

These questions were commonplace.  Interestingly enough, now that I moved to the other side of the country, to New Jersey, where people don't even know what a view without houses or civilization looks like, it's still an issue that rears its controversial head every now and again.

Growing up in Alaska, there was a joke we shared around campfires, in school, and on the streets.  It was that the fate of ANWR was decided by lawyers in New York City.  People with vast amounts of schooling, but absolutely no idea what they were talking about were sitting around in musty conference rooms, discussing about the fate of this, our most precious natural preserve.

Turns out, our joke was true.  I've heard almost as much about ANWR here in Jersey, as I did back in Alaska.  And it's true that those people talking about said drilling have no idea what it is that they're discussing.  I mean, do people actually believe that a senator in Maine knows what's best to do in a state on the other side of the continent?  Has he ever even visited the area?

I've actually been to ANWR.  I've been to the oil fields on the North Slope of Alaska.  Let me take a moment and tell you why they call it the North Slope.

The North Slope is the sizable chunk of land that runs from the Brooks Mountain Range up into the Arctic Ocean.  Basically, its a few hundred thousand square miles of moss.  There's no trees, few people, and a plethora of prairie dogs (marmots) and caribou.  There's also, of course, a few polar bears and wolves running around up there, but they're about as prominent as the people. 

Basically, the ground is like a giant sponge, but instead of soap, it's just filled with water and mosquito.  Bugs so thick...*insert analogy here*.

Anyway, point is, there isn't much up there.  Our natural reserve is just moss and bugs and a few roaming cows.

Now, let's talk about the drilling that's occured in Dead Horse, and the rest of the North Slope.  It's highly regulated by the government, and the steps they take to ensure environmental integrity are so drastic that they're almost silly. 

"BUT," you say, "even if they try to regulate the environmental impact, there will still be an impact!"

Well, that's true, but only to a certain extent.  Have you ever gone out and ripped some moss out of the ground in the forest?  What do you think would happen if you ripped up a section of said moss, then dug a hole in the dirt below, then walked around on the existing moss, and then filled in the hole and left.  If you came back in a few years, would you even be able to find the spot in which you dug?  This cowboy thinks not.

"But what about the wildlife?" you ask.

According to the US Department of the Interior, "The herd's population now stands at 31,857 caribou, up from 27,128 in 2000. This compares with a population of about 5,000 in the mid-1970s."

Huh, sounds pretty awful, that impact we've made on the poor caribou herds.  Their numbers have only sextripled in the time we've been there.

"BUT," you ask, "what about the impact on those poor native Americans up there.  Surely we've caused the Indians of North America enough trouble over the years that we've been in America.  Shouldn't we now leave them alone?

Well, according to said Indians own website, "Our land is home to traditions born of a culture ages old. It is also home to resources like oil and gas, which have enabled our people, the Iñupiat, to enter the cash economy of the modern world with self-determination and an enduring respect for the survival skills taught to us by our ancestors."

So, basically, the effect on the wildlife has been positive, if such a thing is possible (circle of life with Caribou herds and wolves probably has more effect on this than anything else), the effect on the people has been positive, and the effect on the land itself is negligible.

So, I pose this question, thousands of miles away from home.  Why shouldn't we drill in ANWR?

Is It Just Me...

...or has the post-election coverage been surprisingly boring?

Whoa. I posted on Radical Cowboys.

America...How Lovely Are Your Branches

Once again, election day has come and gone and I, Damon Morris, woke up and put my pants on the same way I always do: One leg at a time.

Just like usual, there are basically only two parties to join, and two groups of people to associate your self with.

On one side we have the freedom-haters. That's George's gang. Freedom haters hate your freedom, but they value the freedom of Iraq. They aren't so much concerned with the government reading you emails, tapping your phone, giving you the right to choose whether or not you're allowed to have an abortion, or get married to another person of similiar genitalia.

On the other side you have the Kerry people. These people are apparently the minority in the country (see any current news site about GWB's current popular vote record). But they are far from the silent minority. They're the ones riding bikes across New York City for freedom. They're the ones who've cars sporting catchy bumper stickers with slogans like: 'George Bush: America's SECOND choice' and 'Bush's hate is a weapon of mass destruction'. They're our musicians, our actors, and our homosexual kindergarden teachers.

Of course, I guess there is still another group of people in the country, who some say 'don't have a side.' Those people like me who don't give a crap who wins. People who think that, whoever gets elected, things will be the same as it ever was. People who think, 'Huh. George Bush is winning.' and then go on to put their socks on the same way they always do: One foot at a time.

Personally, my thoughts go something like this: I wish we'd focus more on internal problems than external. Our country was attacked, we attacked back, now can't we move on and build a few new schools in my area so my children don't have to go to school with those asshats in New Brunswick? Does the president really have as much control as people want to say, or are they just figuereheads who make long, drawn out speeches, and wear earpieces and read cards written by better speech writes. Would it be interesting to have a new president rather than Bush? Would it be worth letting those little Ani DiFranco quasi-lesbian Democracy NOW! bastards have their way? I'm not sure. But there is one thing that I am sure of: Tomorrow I'm going to get out of bed the same way I always do and put underpants on just like usual: One leg at a time.

Ah Democracy

It’s almost November of an election year. Oh goody. I can’t wait to get to the polls then sit by my television to see which candidate will take home the four year prize.

Oh wait, I don’t go to the polls. It isn’t for lack of voting though. I did that already. Using my absentee ballot I used my write in for the candidates I thought most qualified to run this country. And who do you think I voted for? Well if you guessed Dick Cheney for President then John Kerry for Vice President you would be wrong. That would be funny though, a real life odd couple running the nation.

No I voted for my parents. I figure this, they raised me to who I am today, a fine upstanding citizen with discipline and responsibility. They are the type of people who, given control of the country, would whip us back to the 1950s where people were skinny but still ate carbs and everyone took responsibility for their own actions.

The death penalty would become illeagal as my father believes that the government does not have the right to take someone else’s life (the eye for an eye theory doesn’t work for him) but he is not above giving savage beatings in lieu of a death sentence.

I can’t tell you about foreign policy. They don’t seem to have much opinion about the rest of the world unless it’s dealing with wine.

Education and medical insurance reform. Well, we would go back to a time when beatings were expected and the only thing a parent did when a child came home with bloody knuckles was hit their child again and say “What did you do to make Mr. Smith hit you?”

Yes it would be a grand time where accountability would be up, stupidity on the fall, and all those who disagreed with the government would be jailed for being a dumbass.

Vote Joe and Jeanna Beanan on Tuesday in your write in ballot slot!

Way to go Red Sox?

The Red Sox are current world champions in baseball. In one post season they managed to be the bronco and buck two beasts off their back. The first being the inherent ability to lose to the Yankees in clutch games, beating the Bombers in four straight clutch games. The second was in breaking “The Curse” which JDM contests, was never actually there. Let’s face it, 2004 is going to be a hell of a lot harder to chant than 1918. For those things I give them credit. They have done amazing things with their post-season birth this year and many men have made their boyhood dreams come true.

Last night though, I found myself watching ESPN listening to Peter Gammons talk about how free agency is going to play a huge factor in the Red Sox’s ability to repeat next season. Who is Steinbrenner going to buy? Who will Epstein try and keep? Where will Beltran, Beltre, Glaus, Nomaaaaah, and Johnson go?

The answer to that question is the highest bidder. Ready for the shocker? It could be the Red Sox. Let’s face it, Theo Epstein and John Henry are just as guilty as what George Steinbrenner used to be accused of in the late 90’s, of buying a championship. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Sox fan, even more so sometimes than the Royals fan I claim to be, and I am warmed all over like a diver in the ocean when he pees himself that the Sox have finally won a championship, but seriously, the Red Sox did shell out top bucks for the roster they have now.

Years ago when they started bitching that a salary cap needed to be implemented so the Yankees couldn’t just buy who they wanted, the Red Sox would not be in the position to have spent the money they needed to in order to assemble the team they have now.

I am in no way saying that the Red Sox didn’t earn or deserve the championship. In a way, with all the money they have spent, I would almost expect it out of them. Hell with the money that the top ranking teams in the Major Leagues spend, it shouldn’t be any surprise that a team can come back on another down three games to none, it should be an expectation that they can, and the Red Sox most recently proved that.

I still feel that a salary cap is needed though to close the gap of competitiveness. But not just a salary cap, a revenue sharing program, much like the model of the most successful sport, football. I don’t think the 60/40 gate share is needed for MLB as they do in the NFL but something more than the 90/10 that is going on now plus something to dump into a pot for television revenues. Let’s face it, if Montreal were to have that available to them they might not have to bail out of Canada, they would have been able to hang on to a Randy Johnson or Larry Walker or Pedro or Vazquez, put more butts in the seats, and not have to move.

But who really watches baseball in Canada anyways?

Pulp Politics

The similarities between Colin Powell and Samuel L. Jackson have never been more apparent.

See for yourself. Click here.

It's a funny little movie that goofs on a bunch of politicians.

It assumes you've seen the movie Pulp Fiction. If you haven't, well, you probably won't think it's very funny. It also assumes you enjoy making jokes about politicians, regardless of your views. If you don't, stop reading this site.

No, seriously.

Okay, I'm just kidding. You can still read this site. However, if you're one of those people who think all Republicans are warmongers or all Democrats are Socialists, you probably won't like it so much, but, then again, if you're one of those people you probably don't like life very much, either (unless you think all Republicans are warmongers AND all Democrats are Socialists, in which case you might be an Anarchist, which holds the possibility for coolness, as long as it's not in a "I dig anarchy because I like mohawks and leather jackets and pink hair" sort of way). But, I digress. Check it out. You will be amused.

Of Vice And Sin

Unlike most of my week long sabaticals, I'm announcing this one in advance. Tomorrow I leave for an adventure in Las Vegas, Nevada. Why? To attend and work at Interbike, the root'nst, toot'nst trade show of all.

Not to be a follower, but I fully intend to make the most of this time and visit places like Circus Circus. I'll also be sure to hang an American flag in my flooded hotel room. Will I be back? Who knows. If I survive I'll return full of stories about everyone's favorite desert getaway. If I don't, its been a pleasure.

No Sex In The Mickey D's

Yet another useless lawsuit against McDonald's. This time a woman in Australia is claiming she lost her sex drive from one bad burger. The woman states that she has "suffered a loss of libido, as well as depression, nightmares, anxiety, nausea, palpitations, diarrhea, shortness of breath and toothache."

Wow, that's a tall order. Lets face it, one burger can't do all this to one's long term health. Yes you may get nausea or diarrhea right away, but it won't last. Eating many burgers over a number of years could cause you to gain weight, raise your cholesterol, and become lazy. I'm sure these things could lead to depression, anxiety, and shortness of breath after a while. However, we're talking about one burger; one burger! By what logic did this woman decide that a single burger ruined her life?

I guess the Aussies can't keep stupid lawsuits out of court either. I'm not sure if this makes me feel better about America or worse about society in general.

Nice Head

Well, it isn't official yet, but I'm not sure that I'll get a chance to post again before the official date, so I'll just say it here:

Happy Birthday to us.
Happy Birthday to us.
Happy Birthday, dear Radical Cowboys.
Happy Birthday to us.

Yes, folks, this coming Thursday, September 30th, our wonderful weblog will celebrate its first birthday. Given the fickle nature of online media, I consider it quite accomplishment, even though we're currently limping along at a shell of our former pace. Alas, let us hope it's just the calm before the storm.

Anyway, to celebrate, here's a brand new caption contest!

Here's my suggestion:

"Nice head."

Just kidding. That's not the real caption contest. Here's the real one:

My suggestion for this one:

"Nice head."

Hey, it's a versatile phrase.

Fuck Off!

I've always been a big fan of the "f" word.

It's quite versatile, despite its inherent rudeness. And, like beauty, that rudeness remains solely in the eye of the beholder.

The "f" word is, after all, merely a word. I've written several articles about the amibiguous nature of profanity, railing against the FCC, uber-puritans, and, basically, anybody who's too dense to realize the idiocy of having "evil" words.

The English language isn't static. It's dynamic. It can change. Anyone who's ever had to read "The Canterbury Tales," or, better yet, "Beowulf," can tell you how much it's changed over the years.

Want to get rid of profanity? Quit classifying words like "shit" and "fuck" as curses.

It really is that simple. Sadly, some people find fault with such thinking...however, in doing so, they not only preserve the sanctity of the "f" word, they empower it. The more they allow it to offend them, the more offensive it becomes. Declassify it, and it's no worse than saying "gosh darn."

Thankfully, researchers in New Zealand have found evidence that, indeed, our language is changing for the better.

They Did It!

They always seem to be trying to put the little man down, don't they?

Chances are, if you're a fan of this site, you probably believe there's a hint of truth in the above statement. Heck, I know I do.

But, the question remains- who, exactly, are they? Is it the government? Is it the mob? Is it Sly and Frank Stallone?

Who are they?

Well, I can't tell you who they are. However, I can tell you who They is.

From USA Today:

A Branson (Missouri) man has put a face to the anonymous references people often make to "they" by changing his name to just that: "They."

The former Andrew Wilson, a 43-year-old self-employed inventor, was granted legal permission last week by a circuit judge to change his name.

It's just They, no surname.

Well, it's about time They did something.

Vehicular Solidarity

In the past few weeks I've been traveling quite a bit and I have managed to notice a few things on the road. The one thing that caught my attention most was waving. It may seem normal; a polite gesture of "hello" or "thank you" on the road. What I really noticed was who waves to who.

Last Thursday and Friday my truck was in for service and I drove my father's Jeep Wrangler. Aside from the annoyance of driving a standard transmission in Philadelphia traffic, I caught on to the fact that there exists some sort of underground Jeep Society. As I drove along in this brand new, stock Jeep that's closest offroad experience has been a gravel driveway, guys in old CJ's that were jacked up about six inches waved to me and honked their horns gleefully as if to say "Solidarity, brother!"

Maybe I'm an asshole, but I failed to return the waves, honks, and peace signs from the Jeep elite. This has always been a problem with me I guess. The firefighter license plate on the front of my own vehicle attracts a lot of attention from others bearing the same markings on their bumpers. I only wave back to the gentlemen from my own firehouse, whom I know.

What I'm trying to figure out is how starved are people for association with a group that they must wave to people driving the same kind of car? Am I missing the point here?

New at ReadJDM

It's been a while since we here at Radical Cowboys have heard from JDM, but that doesn't mean he's been silent. No, no, far from it. He's been quite active. Just not 'round these parts.

Anyway, check out his latest article, in which his first trip to a Phillies game in 15 years has him pondering the complexities of professional sports:

But here’s what I find funny about that new stadium of theirs: It’s nice and new, and very clean, with fairly snug seating and just the right atmosphere for that classic, magical baseball feel. Someone put a lot of thought into building this building. And then they went and named it Citizens Bank Park.

If that's not enough, check out his next-to-last rant, on the goofy ramblings of wannabe pirate/Democratic deserter Zell Miller:

After speaking before the GOP faithful last Wednesday, Senator Miller went on MSNBC’s “Hardball,” where he became so angry with Chris Matthews’ questions—and pardon-the-interruption style of questioning—that he finally blurted out, all frothy and doglike, “You know, I wish we… I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel.” He then proceeded to talk about getting in Matthews’ face. It was eerily reminiscent of Mike Tyson saying he wanted to eat Lennox Lewis’s children. I mean, for a moment there, Zell Miller was threatening to do more damage than Hurricane Frances. If he were any angrier, a row of feathers would’ve popped out of his hind side, to rival that of the little peacock logo in the corner of my TV screen.

There are two more worth reading, as well, that I'd neglected to post to the pages of RC. Shame on me. Anyway, if JDM's take on the state of TV interests you, click here:

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think we should ignore world events altogether. But the 24-hour news channels don’t exactly represent what’s going on in the world. They represent made-for-TV controversies—like the Swift Boat scandal, or the one about George Bush and the National Guard. They represent random human interest stories, blown up and looked at, and looked at again, as if it makes a difference to anyone, anywhere, outside the households of those involved. Take Scott Peterson, for instance. Does anyone other than Dan Abrams actually care about this trial? Does anyone other than Greta Van Susteren think it matters in the grand scheme of things? If so, why? It’s nobody’s business how this trial goes.

And, finally, JDM goes communist in his article on Cuban cigars:

(The Cuban embargo)'s been around since 1961. That’s a pretty long time. If it was going to work, you have to assume it would’ve worked by now. But it hasn’t. Castro’s still in power. He’s the world’s longest reigning dictator. Presidents Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush I, and Clinton have all come and gone since he first came to power. The man’s even outlasted the entire combined run of M*A*S*H, Seinfeld, and Cheers. If the embargo was meant to isolate Cuba and flatten its communist framework, it’s failed.

There. Now you're all up to date with the latest on JDM's mind. Hopefully, he'll return to the RC fold sometime soon.

Or else...

The Legend of Pot

Let's get one thing straight: I am by no means an expert on anything. Keep that in mind as you read this post.

Anyway, since I've been over here in Holland, I've met a bunch of Dutch people. Everyone's different, of course, but they all seem to have one thing in common: by and large, they don't smoke pot.

It's legal in several places throughout the country. It's easy to get. Yet, of the people I've met who actually live here, in the Netherlands, nobody seems to think it's a good idea.

(Aside, of course, from the bartender in Nijkerk, who kept asking me if I had fun in Chicago, despite the fact that I've never hung out there.)

It's probably wise for me to point out that the people I'm dealing with may not be a proper cross-section of the society...although, for the most part, they're all between 21-28, with a healthy partying appetite.

Regardless, nobody smokes pot. They've tried it, but it's no big deal.

This, to me, verifies a point that I've believed all along: legalizing marijuana would go a long way towards eliminating the drug problem in the US. Demystify it, and nobody will think drugs are "cool."

Personally, I find nothing wrong with pot. I don't think a pot-smoking habit qualifies as a problem. But, what struck me most was the fact that nobody I'd met had tried anything beyond pot, which is hardly the truth for my American friends.

As one of my Dutch colleagues said, "the only reason America has such a drug problem is because you fight it so hard." He went on to say what we all know: most people start with pot, a relatively harmless drug, and move on from there. Here in Holland, where pot is easy to get, there is no mystery behind the drug, so there's no social, rebellious incentive to try it. From there, the "gateway" is closed.

I'm told that, in Amsterdam, at night, there are certain sections of town that serve as drug havens, largely to foreigners who came here to exploit the pot laws and wound up in a tangle of addiction. I haven't seen it yet, so that may or may not be so. Regardless, even if it is true, the drug problem is relegated to one city, in select parts of town, and only at night.

That's a hell of a lot better than the situation in the U.S. We should take a cue from Holland.

The Nicest Car Ever

If there was an award given for the nicest car ever, I think this one would win.

A Whirlwind of Events

Welcome to "Tales from the Netherlands (Round Two)." I'm going to use a different narrative style to describe this week's events. It's a stream of consciousness approach, a la Roger Avary:

MLB: 9/11 Co-Conspirators?

Could it be?

Could yesterday's Phillies/Mets debacle serve a strange omen that maybe, just maybe, Major League Baseball had something to do with 9/11?

From ESPN:

The Mets, who led 6-2 in the sixth inning, wore hats honoring New York police, firefighters and other personnel killed in the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. After nine innings, the totals for each team: 9 runs and 11 hits.

Now, I'm not sure what, exactly, that sort of line could say about MLB. And, given the near-preposterous levels of inconsistency demonstrated by both teams throughout the season, it seems highly unlikely that either club could have done so on purpose.

Ah, screw it. It was just a weird coincidence, right?

Yup, that's all it was. A strange, strange coincidence. A nine inning total of nine runs and eleven hits, by both teams, on (gulp) 9/11.

In New York.

(Cue theme music from The Twilight Zone.)

Where in the Hell is Everyone?

Well, where?

I was shocked to come back to the office (as the job I have requires me to travel extensively without access to the internet) to see that virtually none of the Cowboys have posted in the past 2 weeks!

What's going on here boys? As Emeril says, "Let's kick it up a notch!" We're better than this.

I know I can't post being on the road, and Randy is in Holland with limited time to post, and JDM is settling and adjusting to the new climate of married life, but where is everyone else? I turned us on to be entertained and comment and all I saw new was Randy's "Glamorama" article.

Damon, Bob, Jason, I beg of you, for the sake of humanity and the safety of future generations, please, post. Post like you've never posted before!